Going Home

I spent this weekend at "home". The place that I have always referred to as "home", the place where I spent my first 10 years. It is a little town of no consequence except to those who have had the pleasure of living there. ( Straight out of Pride and Prejudice) I was suppose to go "home" for my grandfather's 90th birthday party. But instead due to his health it was a gathering of people at the church where we sang happy birthday to a video camera and then the family went to visit him in the nursing home. Seeing him in a wheelchair and frail was painful for me.

After we sang to him again everyone enjoyed cake and each other's company. Then gradually, they left, one by one I stood behind his wheelchair and watched everyone leave. I decided that I would stay and visit a while. I helped him with his dinner, which was a clear liquid diet. I told him to pretend that the jello was mashed potatoes and roast beef. We chatted a bit. I asked him how he was feeling. I asked him how he was being treated. I told him that he must have touched a lot of people to have so many come to his party, I estimated that there had been at least 100, maybe more. Then he looked at me and straight into my eyes and said. " I think that I'll be gone in 3 or four days maybe a week. I am ready to go home."
I wasn't going to play games with him, I knew what he meant and he knew that I knew. I wanted to say something to pretend that I didn't understand but instead I said:
" Well, that is something to look forward to. We will miss you when you leave. " And I turned away with tears filling my eyes and then we sat in silence until my Grandma returned.

I must explain something about me. I have had very, very limited experiences with losing people. All of my grandparents, except one are living. I have never lost a friend to tragedy, or a family member. I am a very emotional person in general, but you add in the loss of this magnitude and I feel my insides turning to mush. I know that I haven't even expressed myself very well in this blog today. I am a ramble of thoughts and feelings. This is a place I have never really been. To be honest, a place that I a afraid to be. I should feel some comfort and take some relief in the Gospel that I know to be true, and I guess I do, a little. Not nearly as much as I'd hoped for though. Oh, I have so much to say, but no way to say it. Me, at a loss for words.....imagine that. Well, I have much to ponder ..... and much to pray about.

Love to all!