Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Going Home

I spent this weekend at "home". The place that I have always referred to as "home", the place where I spent my first 10 years. It is a little town of no consequence except to those who have had the pleasure of living there. ( Straight out of Pride and Prejudice) I was suppose to go "home" for my grandfather's 90th birthday party. But instead due to his health it was a gathering of people at the church where we sang happy birthday to a video camera and then the family went to visit him in the nursing home. Seeing him in a wheelchair and frail was painful for me.

After we sang to him again everyone enjoyed cake and each other's company. Then gradually, they left, one by one I stood behind his wheelchair and watched everyone leave. I decided that I would stay and visit a while. I helped him with his dinner, which was a clear liquid diet. I told him to pretend that the jello was mashed potatoes and roast beef. We chatted a bit. I asked him how he was feeling. I asked him how he was being treated. I told him that he must have touched a lot of people to have so many come to his party, I estimated that there had been at least 100, maybe more. Then he looked at me and straight into my eyes and said. " I think that I'll be gone in 3 or four days maybe a week. I am ready to go home."
I wasn't going to play games with him, I knew what he meant and he knew that I knew. I wanted to say something to pretend that I didn't understand but instead I said:
" Well, that is something to look forward to. We will miss you when you leave. " And I turned away with tears filling my eyes and then we sat in silence until my Grandma returned.

I must explain something about me. I have had very, very limited experiences with losing people. All of my grandparents, except one are living. I have never lost a friend to tragedy, or a family member. I am a very emotional person in general, but you add in the loss of this magnitude and I feel my insides turning to mush. I know that I haven't even expressed myself very well in this blog today. I am a ramble of thoughts and feelings. This is a place I have never really been. To be honest, a place that I a afraid to be. I should feel some comfort and take some relief in the Gospel that I know to be true, and I guess I do, a little. Not nearly as much as I'd hoped for though. Oh, I have so much to say, but no way to say it. Me, at a loss for words.....imagine that. Well, I have much to ponder ..... and much to pray about.

Love to all!


Meshuga Mama said...

Rebecca you are so lucky that your grandfather is at peace with being near the end. Please be grateful that he is looking forward to this and that he is ready. I had a much different experience when my grandmother died suddenly. She begged me to get the doctors to find a cure so she could live. It was awful. I know it will be hard, but what a beautiful thing that he's ready and that he's trying to prepare you. I hope that helps ease the pain a little bit. Take care and know that I am always praying for you and your family!